The quadrennial event that captured the hearts and crotches of the world has come to an end. So, what have we learned from the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa? I’ve compiled a few universally-agreed-upon notes.
- An overwhelming majority of Americans are of Spanish ancestry, hundreds of millions more than recent census data indicated, all choosing to announce their heritage just after the final whistle blew.
- The Dutch are the Oakland Raiders of soccer.
- The French team made headlines early on in the tournament, and throughout the first round. Their 2010 World Cup campaign can best be summarized here.
- George Steinbrenner died after seeing Yanks fans at a soccer match.
- Italy reportedly fielded a squad, entered the tournament and competed in three whole matches, completely unnoticed.
- The French surrendered.
- Our Yanks fought hard, but were undone by an African side that fought harder. That and Jozy Altidore accidentally wore Michael Johnson’s 1996 Olympic shoes.
- Spain’s Iker Casillas won the Golden Gloves award, as the best goalkeeper of the tournament, making it the second most impressive trophy he earned in South Africa.
- The “vuvuzela”, a brand-new, never-heard-before invention was criticized throughout the tournament as being far too loud and innovative for fans to endure. The horns we’ve all heard blaring in previous years’ matches were fine, but these vuvuzelas, they need to go.
And finally, below I’ve included the Official Final Rankings released by FIFA for the World Cup that was.
2010 WORLD CUP FINAL RANKINGS
3. The Person Who Does The Lettering On Schweinsteiger’s Jersey
4. Vuvuzelas (for the people blowing into them)
5. That Dashing Striker For Uruguay
6. The Most Disgraced Brazil Team Ever
7. That Other “Guay”
8. Diego Maradona’s Secret Cocaine Suit Pocket
9. Where The United States Should’ve Finished
10. United States
11. Mexico, a.k.a. “Spain Jr.”
12. Slovenia or Slovakia, Forget Which
13. Christiano Ronaldo’s ridiculous goal
14. Christiano Ronaldo’s ridiculous abs
15. Univision Announcers
16. England & the English press (tie)
17. Ivory Coast
18. Naming Your Country After The Devastating Harvest Of Elephant Tusks
19. Switzerland (though they’d prefer to stay neutral and tie with everyone)
20. South Africa
21. Exclamation Points On Facebook Status Updates
22. New Zealand
25. Tony Meola
27. Anyone Who Didn’t Scream When Donovan Scored That Goal Against Algeria
28. New York Islanders
29. Vuvuzelas (for everyone else)
30. John Harkes As An Announcer
32. North Korea & The Referee From The US/Solvenia Game (tie)