Monday, March 23, 2009

the revolution

I don't know if you've noticed, but there are signs of a movement everywhere. The people are putting actions behind their convictions. 

A revolution is underway. 

A vacuum revolution. 

And who is giving a voice to this revolution? James Dyson. Have you seen this assclown? Surely you've seen the ads. This incredibly arrogant descendent of British jerks tells us all the inspiring story of how he singlehandedly changed the vacuuming industry overnight. According to his website, all of us see faults in everyday products, but only Dyson has the courage, infinite free time and funding to improve them. And his super-sucky designs have brought him fame and riches of over $6 billion. And he's going to spend millions in advertising to make sure you know it, regardless of coming off as an unrepentant, pretentious asshole. If you haven't used his vacuums, you've probably dried your hands in his airport hand dryer, for which he'll surely find a way to charge and demean you. He even has his own foundation and annual award, both of which he named after himself. 

Okay, we get it Dyson. You're the goddam modern-day Galileo. But I've got news for you, Dy-Vinci. (These renaissance jokes doing anything for you?) The world already has a Vizier of Vacuum Vanity. His name is David Oreck, owner and star of his own self-named vacuum company. And according to his website, he's a much bigger badass than your wildest dreams could ever aspire to hope for. Oreck drives mint-condition motorcycles to work, pilots his own biplanes, and refuses to even think about retiring, even though riding motorcycles and flying in open-air cockpits at 85 years old probably endangers dozens of lives. What a rebel! Oreck even joined the Army Air Corps (what the Air Force used to be called before jet engines were invented) at the age of 17. And that's not even legal! 

So what are you gonna do now, Dyson? Oreck just owned you in this vacuum magnate pissing contest I just made up. He's more experienced, rebellious, reckless and maverick-y than you'll ever be, Dyson. 

And he speaks American. Face it, Dyson. Oreck was saving your country's ass when your diapers were clogging your mommy's vacuum. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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