Thursday, August 18, 2011

we've moved!

Exclamation point? Necessary.

I'm moving my blog to tumblr. Why? I don't know. It's like when the Colts went to Indianapolis from Baltimore. It seemed like it was the start of a whole new thing, then they realized it was like the Baltimore of the midwest.

So follow me here:

And don't worry. I'll continue my rate of posting like, six times a year.

- Dan

Monday, May 16, 2011

I Enjoy Beating Children

Hey Everyone.

I'm not afraid to say it. I beat kids. I enjoy taking a bunch of kids and beating the Cystic Fibrosis out of them.

Many of you will recall that around this time every year, I participate in a walk to benefit research for Cystic Fibrosis (CF). And each year, I invite you to help me kick the everloving sh*t out of this disease that affects 30,000 people in this country, many of them children. And one of them is my nephew.

Here's what I'm offering: You donate, I inflict punishment on CF.

> For $25, I'll assault CF with harsh insults, mostly about how Cystic Fibrosis sounds like a terrorist name.
> For $50, I'll approach CF from behind, tap it on the shoulder, then when it turns around, slap it across the face like an bad actress.
> For $75, I'll straight up kick it in the nuts.
> For $100, I'll bomb CF's facebook page with posts from fake admirers, then when it tries to click on the users' names, I'll sneak up behind it and kick it in the nuts.
> For donations of over $100, you call the shot. Want me to invade CF's dreams á lá Nightmare On Elm Street? Get Dick Cheney to shoot it in the face? Make it watch a Vin Diesel Movie? Consider it done.

After the walk this Saturday, May 21 is over, I want CF badly beaten, clinging to life, thoroughly humiliated and on its way to years of therapy.

All of this sound mean? Excessive? The way I see it, any disease that messes with my three year old nephew is gonna get what's coming to it.

(To prove I'm not really angry or violent, here's last year's invite, which I'm told was read by hundreds and enjoyed by dozens.)

Read more about CF >> here
See a cute video of my nephew >> here

And seriously. Thanks.
Your pal,

PS: As a father, I know just how unfunny abuse is. Not that I've tried it. I just know that it wouldn't be funny if I did. But I figured since CF abuses kids, CF deserves a little abuse. In the form of painstaking research aimed at weakening its sorry ass.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The 2011 DASBAA

The 2011 DASBAA (Dan’s Annual Super Bowl Advertising Analysis)

“Read the Review of This Review’s Review in Tomorrow’s Reviewer’s Review!”

Thanks for tuning in, ad connoisseurs. If you’re like me, you’re tired. You want a nap, but not until you’ve thoroughly scrutinized every last marketing effort from the world’s biggest annual effort in marketing, the “Super Bowl” of Ads, if you will. (Surely I’ve made that joke before. Sigh…)

On an unrelated side note, I watched Glee for the first time last night. I didn’t mean to. It just sort of happened. The show came on after the Super Bowl, and well, one thing led to another. I’ve thought about it, and decided I’m going to tell my wife. She deserves to know.

Anyway, damned if we didn’t have another really good Super Bowl football contest this year. Am I right? The Pack, or as it’s pronounced in Wisconsin, The Pyack, triumphed with a stellar performance by a quarterback resembling a young Brett Favre’s penis.

And on the ad front, an encouraging trend: good car ads. No, seriously. Read on and see if you don’t agree. (Follow along here.)

The Winners:

Volkswagen – “The Force” was such a disarmingly funny spot. A kid dressed as Darth Vader tries to use “the force” to affect household objects, unsuccessfully until Dad uses his remote to start the car in the driveway. Nothing that probably hasn’t been done before, but it was just a really charming, skillfully told story, executed well. Probably the best spot of the whole game.

Chrysler – America loves an underdog. And Detroit is America’s underest dog ever. So, congrats to the team who produced this spot. Even with the ubiquitously antagonistic Eminem batting cleanup, Chrysler’s tour of the Motor City was a tour de force.

Chevy – The Chevy spot that stood out for me was “Tommy” (which might’ve been called “Lassie”). Surprised I haven’t seen someone try this angle before, it worked so well for a auto commercial.

NFL – Best. Fans. Ever. Yeah, you get to be on the winners list, NFL, even though you lose points for excessive borrowed interest. The spot is just a series of old scenes from everyone’s favorite TV shows (Seinfeld, Happy Days, Family Guy, Brady Bunch, etc.) with the characters getting ready to watch football. But, I can’t deny a simple idea executed well, even if they didn’t technically write a spot.

The Also-Rans:

Stella Artois – Adrien Brody sings to adoring girls about… his beer. It’s the twist that wasn’t. Beautifully shot, though. And he is dreamy.

Carmax – One winner and one loser lands you in the “also-rans”. The “Kid in a Candy Store” spot was pretty great, while the “Gas Station” execution blew what could’ve been a funny idea.

Audi – I wanted to put “Luxury Prison” on the winners list, but in the end it was just trying too hard and had a disappointing payoff. The Kenny G bit was funny though.

The Losers: – Talking cars are only funny when… they’re funny. And like talking babies (you’ll notice I didn’t even mention E*Trade this year), you just can’t write your way out of a cliché. Which is apparently why the writer didn’t even try.

Snickers – Not a “bad” spot here, but you lose so many points by trying to rehash an idea in a lame sequel. Betty White & Abe Vigoda were much more worthy references than Richard Lewis (who was he again?) & Roseanne Barr. – (To be read in old-tyme Irish cop accent) Move along folks. Nothin’ to see here.

Hyundai – In this spot filled with antiquated televisions, cameras and flying machines, Jeff Bridges asks us, “What if we always settled for the first thing that came along?” Well, I think we have our answer, since the creatives responsible for this spot seem to have settled for the first tepid idea they came up with.

Bud Light – “Here we go” America, directly 18th in Reading, 22nd in Science and to 28th in Math. That’s right. I’m blaming Bud Light ads for our nation’s intellectual decline. Think it’s a stretch? Watch the “Dogsitter” spot again. And it was the #1 rated commercial of the game, according to the USA Today Ad Meter!

- - -

That’s why next year, I’m emigrating the DASBAA north of the border to cover the most scintillating ads of the Grey Cup (The Canadian Football League’s championship game)! Hilarious depictions of bikinied girls tossing ice-cold Molson Lagers into an unsuspecting Jim Carrey’s crotch (not to worry eh, he’s covered by universal health care) as the Barenaked Ladies cover Rush’s “By-Tor and the Snow Dog”, don’t you know!

See you in 2012 then. It’s aboot time!