Thursday, July 15, 2010

World Cup Final Thoughts and Rankings

The quadrennial event that captured the hearts and crotches of the world has come to an end. So, what have we learned from the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa? I’ve compiled a few universally-agreed-upon notes.

- An overwhelming majority of Americans are of Spanish ancestry, hundreds of millions more than recent census data indicated, all choosing to announce their heritage just after the final whistle blew.

- The Dutch are the pre-2004 Red Sox of soccer, having three finals appearances and zero championships.

- The Dutch are the Oakland Raiders of soccer.

- The French team made headlines early on in the tournament, and throughout the first round. Their 2010 World Cup campaign can best be summarized here.

- George Steinbrenner died after seeing Yanks fans at a soccer match.

- Italy reportedly fielded a squad, entered the tournament and competed in three whole matches, completely unnoticed.

- The French surrendered.

- Our Yanks fought hard, but were undone by an African side that fought harder. That and Jozy Altidore accidentally wore Michael Johnson’s 1996 Olympic shoes.

- Spain’s Iker Casillas won the Golden Gloves award, as the best goalkeeper of the tournament, making it the second most impressive trophy he earned in South Africa.

- The “vuvuzela”, a brand-new, never-heard-before invention was criticized throughout the tournament as being far too loud and innovative for fans to endure. The horns we’ve all heard blaring in previous years’ matches were fine, but these vuvuzelas, they need to go.

And finally, below I’ve included the Official Final Rankings released by FIFA for the World Cup that was.


1. Spain

2. Netherlands

3. The Person Who Does The Lettering On Schweinsteiger’s Jersey

4. Vuvuzelas (for the people blowing into them)

5. That Dashing Striker For Uruguay

6. The Most Disgraced Brazil Team Ever

7. That Other “Guay”

8. Diego Maradona’s Secret Cocaine Suit Pocket

9. Where The United States Should’ve Finished

10. United States

11. Mexico, a.k.a. “Spain Jr.”

12. Slovenia or Slovakia, Forget Which

13. Christiano Ronaldo’s ridiculous goal

14. Christiano Ronaldo’s ridiculous abs

15. Univision Announcers

16. England & the English press (tie)

17. Ivory Coast

18. Naming Your Country After The Devastating Harvest Of Elephant Tusks

19. Switzerland (though they’d prefer to stay neutral and tie with everyone)

20. South Africa

21. Exclamation Points On Facebook Status Updates

22. New Zealand

23. Zealand

24. Some Random European Country That, Frankly, No One Cares About

25. Tony Meola

26. Italy

27. Anyone Who Didn’t Scream When Donovan Scored That Goal Against Algeria

28. New York Islanders

29. Vuvuzelas (for everyone else)

30. John Harkes As An Announcer

31. France

32. North Korea & The Referee From The US/Solvenia Game (tie)

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